Dear Ladies of Wisteria Lane…
Dear Bree, Lynette, Gaby and Susan (who shall forever be referred to as THE STUPID ONE.)
Firstly, I’d like to make it clear that I think you are all pretty stupid. If I lived on your street, I would have moved AGES AGO. What are you still doing on a street that has had to deal with murder,suicide, divorce, a tornado, a plane crash, and THE STUPID ONE on a daily basis?! Just MOVE.
(As a side note, I’ve just looked up how many people have actually died on Wisteria Lane- I can count 35. 35 people have died, most of them in ridiculous circumstances- Viktor Lang being impaled by a garden fence, anyone?)
To back up my first point, the only time you ever see any of your relatives or friends who DON’T live on Wisteria Lane is when something bad is happening- this is an obvious sign that your street is CURSED. Everyone else has moved away. Like that weird family that had John Barrowman as their friend. They didn’t last long. Because they realised the street is cursed. Smart.
Bree, let’s use Andrew as an example. You told him he was going to hell for coming out of the closet, but then helped to cover up TWO MURDERS! 3 murders if you count when you watched your boyfriend George kill himself because he killed Rex (I hope you remember all this, because I needed reminding.) AND you stole your daughters baby. Well, pretty much, I forget the details. And where’s Andrew and Baby Mama now? Gone to a better place. Take the hint and join them. And please don’t help to cover up a murder again. You’re supposed to be a lady.
Lynette- I feel most sorry for you. You had a bunch of kids with a man who is essentially a toddler himself, and what thanks do you get?! He leaves you. What a joke, right? No, it’s not a joke. Because you are neurotic. To say you are the least crazy out of the 4 of you is not saying much. I do feel bad you had cancer though. Kudos for getting through that. And having that crazy step daughter. Don’t suppose Tom has seen much of her lately. What a dick.
Gaby, you are the worst mother in the history of the world. But you do have nice hair, and nice clothes, so I suppose you’re forgiven? I can’t remember much of what’s happened to you over the past…15 years? Well, it’s been 8 years for us, but you had that weird time warp thing a few seasons back. You had an affair in season 1, you had a miscarriage in season 2…anything else? You’ve had a lot of good times with Carlos, I suppose- but doesn’t he just have the worst luck! Prison, blindness, alcoholism…poor guy.
And now we get to The Stupid One. The Stupid One is just plain Stupid. She is crazy. Crazy enough to become a stripper when she cleans. Did you not think some perve you knew would see you?! And you work with kids! How could you think that’s acceptable behaviour!? You married (twice, might I add) a pill popping murderer who was going out with Edie at one point (Yeah, remember that?! Remember EDIE?!) At the moment, I hear you are feeling very guilty for hiding the murder of your best friends abusive father- so by handling things, you decide to paint a very graphic picture incriminating you. Are you STUPID?! Why did I even bother asking.
All you had to do was marry the nice, English guy back in season 2 or whenever it was. He was nice! He had a mansion. HE DIDN’T LIVE ON WISTERIA LANE. I bet you’re kicking yourself now.
I’ve actually forgot to address the most annoying person on the street- and surprisingly, it’s not The Stupid One. Mary Alice Young, why are you still narrating the lives of these random women who used to live on your street?! You’ve been dead for ages. Move on. Everyone else has!
Love and Kisses
A very annoyed ex-watcher of Desperate Housewives (I gave up on it when Edie died. She was the only one I actually liked!)