“What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?”- Or What Disney Taught Me
1. Ugly people are always the bad guy. That’s a given. If your uncle has a disfigurement and talks with a British accent, he’s a bad guy. He’s also a bad guy if he sings rousing war songs in front of goose stepping hyenas.
2. The heroine of the tale is always super hot. They can have feasts with magical singing candle sticks, live in palaces filled with everything they could ever want and they don’t put on a pound. Bitches. Though obviously, in real life, Rapunzel would look like a bug eyed tramp with hair covering the floor. Imagine the grime in it. At least she’s thin I suppose.
3. Abusive guys are always the ones that can be changed. Especially if they are beasts with obsessive compulsive disorders over shrubbery. (I won’t even broach the subject of bestiality- that is a lesson no one should learn.)
4. Having a brief encounter with a strange man is true love. It is. It definitely is. Especially if it’s in a wood or forest. Then it’s, like, super true love.
5. Singing songs always reveals a solution to your problems. Either your sidekick will lift your spirits enough to engage you in an evil plot, or your prince will hear your beautiful voice and fall deeply in love with it. Not you. He definitely wouldn’t be carrying you off into the sunset on his steed if you sang like a drunk at a Christmas party.
6. Cross dressing is cool. Talking dragons are not.
7. On that subject, all animals can talk, so watch where you eat that burger. Want to cut up some wood to keep warm? That’s not on, because not only can the trees talk, they are called endearing names like ‘Grandmother Willow’- no one wants to cut up a granny! Want to sell that old clock to make a quick buck? It will shout you down in the auction room before you can say ‘Baroque.’
8. Why Donald Duck wears no trousers but wraps a towel around his waist after showering is, like the creation of the universe, a mystery that will never be solved. Also, why does Goofy wear people clothes and can talk while Pluto is stuck wearing a collar in his doghouse? They’re both dogs! We will never know.
9. Fish are friends, not food. No idea what Ariel was chowing down on, but that’s not important.
10. All Native Americans look like this-
It’s not racists- it’s…er…wait a minute, that’s pretty racist…
EDIT: I forgot to mention that I didn’t create the top image, but I couldn’t find who originally made it! If it was you, let me know so I can credit you!