“One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor!!” Or What LOTR Taught Me

by swonderfulsmarvellous

I think anyone who is familiar with my love for Boromir will not be at all surprised that I’ve finally got around to writing this list. Actually, you’re probably wondering why it took me so long! Well, here it is: things I learnt from Gandalf and co. Enjoy.


1. One does not simply walk into Mordor. This advice can be applied to pretty much anything. ‘One does not simply eat the last cookie without asking if anyone else wants it.’ ‘One does not simply wear leather trousers.’ ‘One does not simply enjoy watching Mean Girls 2.’

2. Don’t-under any circumstances- trust a guy who gives you a magical ring. Especially if he lives in a volcano and looks like a monster.

3. Elves have a secret stash of hair care products that they refuse to share with anyone else. Which is just plain rude, considering the state of Gimli’s beard by ROTK.

4. If you make bold statements like ‘No man can kill me,’ swaggering about on your flying lizard like da man, you can be sure a woman will turn up with a big pointy sword and ram it in your face. Because that’s what happens when you get cocky.

5. Gollum is not partial to fish and chips. He thinks they are nasty.

6. Moths have friends in high places. Literally. Because they are friends with giant birds. *CUE PUNCHLINE*

7. As it turns out, there are indeed dwarf women! Don’t be fooled by their beards!

8. Gandalf isn’t dead! Oh, wait. *SPOILERS!* But really, did you ever think he really was?! He’s a wizard!

9. Always climb over mountains- don’t be tempted to go through them. There’s a whole load of nasty going on down there.

10. Everyone has a BFF in Middle Earth. Merry has Pippin. Frodo has Sam. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas have a 3 way bromance going on. Gollum has The Ring. Arwen has her horse. Gandalf has Elrond. Etc, etc, etc. The only people who don’t have BFF’s are the baddies (but even Sauron has Saruman) and those destined to die, like Boromir. But chances are he has a BFF back home in Gondor, and we just never see him. Sad times.