It's just a tiny bit marvellous

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‘If anyone else dies, Julian Fellowes will pay’ Or What To Expect From Downton Abbey, Season 4

I’m joking, obviously. Julian Fellowes, you are a safe man.

1. Branson will be left to house sit again. Because he’s not allowed to go to fancy places like Scotland, guys. He doesn’t even own a suit.

2.  Bates will turn out to be a bad guy. I’m convinced. Remember the prison rage?! ‘I AM BATES, HERE ME ROAR.’

3. I’m thinking secret romance. I’m thinking jazz singer. I’m thinking blonde Sybil (that’s her name, don’t even pretend it isn’t.) I’m thinking preganancy? ABORTION?! WHO KNOWS. ONLY FELLOWES.

4. Lady Violet will say something witty about how dresses are getting all slutty, or how the music is too fast paced for her poor heart to take. There will also be some snide remarks about Americans, because there always is.

5. Daisy will nearly ruin, and then save, a very important dinner; Thomas will smoke a cigarette and look angry; Carson will polish some silver; Mrs. Patmore will be chuffed because suet was on offer in the local shop; tall butler will hit his head on a door frame and everyone will laugh; sexy, Eragon butler will be sexy, Eragon butler …

6…and then someone will die at Christmas. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM JULIAN FELLOWES.

 

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Money Woes #18

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I paid £25 for this gym membership, so I’d better make the most of it.

I Went To Paris & All I Brought Back Were These Instagrammed Pictures

So, yeah. I went to Paris last week hoping to soak up some culture by eating a lot of bread and cake and cheese. Instead, I just got physically soaked because it rained NON STOP.

But did I let that stop me having an awesome time? No I did not.

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My friend Claire thought it would be a good idea to take this photos. Hers look much better than mine, because she isn’t a massive idiot who was screaming the whole time because she thought her umbrella would lift her into the air like Mary Poppins.

We did all the usual stuff- Notre Dame (pretty windows, no hunchbacks), the Eiffel Tower (very high, lifts that go sideways), Versaille (lots of gold, lots of history, lots of rude tourist groups), the Pompidou Centre (lots of weird but amazing art) and the Arc de Triomphe (for some reason, there were lots of soldiers up there when we went. They looked like they were wearing bio hazard suits.)

If you ever go (and you should- because seriously, it’s Paris yo!), make sure you don’t go until early summer, and also make sure you visit Angelina’s- near the Louvre, or there’s one at Versaille. Best. Hot. Chocolate. Ever. Guys.

Now enjoy all my instagrammed pictures. I went a little bit mental.

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Shakespeare and Co is an amazing bookshop near Notre Dame that sells super old books- they are really expensive (but come on, would you expect a first edition of Ulysses to be cheap?!) but it was lovely to go and have a raid of their bookshelves.

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“Shut Up Carl!” Or What The Walking Dead Taught Me

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1. Hyundai’s are the only car to see off a zombie apocalypse. Don’t even try to take the SUV. Or Dale.

2. Eye patches are sexy. Heads in jars are not.

3. If a group of people looking for a small girl come to your farm, don’t tell them about the small zombie girl you just found and put in your shed…

4. …and tell them to shut the gate! That rusty gate will keep out all foes, be them zombies or crazy Shane.

5. The more time spent living in the middle of a zombie infested hell on earth, the more attractive you become.

6. 3 weeks is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to get over the death of your husband and shack up with his best friend in a tent.

7. Zombies without teeth make excellent pets.

8. The US would be totally unprepared to deal with masses of shuffling corpses with no speed, sense of direction or proper social skills.

9. There ain’t no dictatorship like a Ricktatorship.

10. I most definitely would not survive if the dead tried to eat me.

Why I’m Giving Up Celebrity Nonsense Once And For All….

Here are the 2 main reasons for my sudden rush of gossip abstinence.

Urgh.

Just urgh.

I won’t go into details (because they are boring and unnecessary), but apparently Nicki Minaj went mental on the set of American Idol, calling Mariah Carey a lot of names and using the f-word a hell of a lot.

I’m sorry- but if I started a new job, decided I didn’t like one of my co-workers, and then started SHOUTING INSULTS AT HER IN THE OFFICE….I would be fired. Most definitely.

I just don’t understand it. Does Nicki think this behaviour is normal? Does she think it’s acceptable?!

No doubt she’ll be rapping away about it on her next album “Roman x3: This Time It’s Personal, Bitches.” Because that’s healthy; “I just had a major argument with you, so now I will tell everyone in the world why I hate you.”

It’s like we’re in Mean Girls. Except we’re not 16, Glen Coco has received no candy canes, and nobody is laughing.

Urgh.

Ps. I have a feeling people will think I’m ‘Team Mariah’ after this. I am Team NO-ONE. NO-ONE GETS A TEAM! URRRRGH.

“Nobody wants to kiss a girl in black!” or What Downton Abbey Taught Me

Downton Abbey returns on September 16th y’all! LIKE OMG YOU GUYS- put it in your diary! (Or put it in your pipe and smoke it if you feel the need!)

Making this list is the only thing calming me down right now. Seriously.

(To all my American/Canadian/other overseas readers: I’m sorry you have to wait so long for series 3! I hope this eases your pain!)

This Branson picture has nothing to do with this list really. I just liked it. If you don’t like it you’re probably a Thomas kind of gal. And we don’t need your kind here! (JOKES GUYS! JOKES!)

1. The best way to have a secret affair is in very public places. An open garage and the room next door to where your wife is dying are the ultimate choices.

2. “Why must everyday involve a fight with an American?! No, it’s fine, I’ll ride this swivel chair like the badass I am!” The Dowager Countess is one badass granny.

3. Kissing your cousin is encouraged. Especially if he’s fit with a massive entail. No pun intended.

4. Mr Bates is a fox. I mean, he isn’t really. But Anna digs him so what do I know?

5. If you leave your job for a day- even if it’s just to go to the post office to buy stamps, or feed soup to injured soldiers- Molesly will try to steal it. You’ve been warned.

6. Don’t listen to your bitch of an aunt when she tells you not to marry Matthew. Matthew is awesome. Mary is also awesome, but she’s pretty mean to Matthew when she sends him off to war all sad and heartbroken. Don’t be sad, Matthew! Lavinia’s a-coming!

7. There’s always one sister who is a complete bitch. But maybe the reason she’s a bitch is because her sister is mean to her and drives away her old fiance-to-be. But then before that, she did tell everyone her sister had hanky panky with a Turkish diplomat (saucy!) But then there’s the case of one sister having nicer dresses than the other… JUST BE NICE LIKE SYBIL GUYS! AND WEAR TROUSERS!

8. Hats are amazing. The bigger the better.

9. Apparently, phones are comparable to time machines in an H.G.Wells novel. It’s like older people trying understand iPhones, but in a period drama setting. LOLS.

10. Ghosts are real. And they enjoy a good board game!

(I have so many more things Downton Abbey has taught me I may have to do another list! AAAH EXCITING!)

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My Top 5 Historical Hotties

I don’t feel this list needs much explaining: in history, even before male grooming products became popular, some men were just downright attractive. I feel they need some recognition for this, in addition to their notable historical deeds.  Let me know if I missed out your favourite!

(This list has been whittled down from about 15 to 5, so I hope I picked the best ones.)

(Also, they are all men. Sorry to everyone who has eyes for the ladies. You’ll have to get your archaic thrills elsewhere today.)

5. Ernest Hemingway

So the main reason he made my top five is because I thought he looked like Schmidt from ‘New Girl.’ He’s also in uniform in this picture, so that got him extra bonus points.

4. Edward VIII

Not only was he rather handsome, he gave up the throne for Wallis Simpson! Nothing is more attractive than an attractive man picking you over a ginormous pile of money. And jewels. And a crown.

3. Henry Brougham, 1st Baron Broughham and Vaux

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You the heck is this guy?! I’m afraid even I can’t tell you because his Wikipedia page was long and I got distracted by his face. It’s safe to say he was English though, and had tons of money. Win.

2. Dick Winters

Taking into consideration that Damien Lewis was AH-mazing in ‘Band of Brothers,’ you’ll also be pleased to hear that the real Dick Winters was also a stone cold fox back in his 101st Airborne days. And he was super brave and clever. And modest. Actually, he would have made my number one spot, had it not been for this guy…

1. Robert Dudley, 1st Earl of Leicester

I have no photographic evidence to prove just how hot Mr. Dudley was. I like to think he looked something like this:

…but he probably didn’t. Whatever the case, he nearly convinced Queen Elizabeth to marry him, which would have given all her rebellious subjects cause to kick her off the throne. When it became clear he couldn’t marry her, he married another court hotty instead (the illegitimate granddaughter of Henry VIII), incurring the queens wrath.  He did love those Tudors!

He is my ultimate Historical Hotty. And because we can’t ever really know what he looked like, I can picture him as a Joseph Fiennes-esque character. All I’m saying is he must have been super fit to nearly make Elizabeth give up her throne for him. Phoar.

(NOTE: All images sourced from Wikipedia.)

“One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor!!” Or What LOTR Taught Me

I think anyone who is familiar with my love for Boromir will not be at all surprised that I’ve finally got around to writing this list. Actually, you’re probably wondering why it took me so long! Well, here it is: things I learnt from Gandalf and co. Enjoy.

It’s PANDALF!

1. One does not simply walk into Mordor. This advice can be applied to pretty much anything. ‘One does not simply eat the last cookie without asking if anyone else wants it.’ ‘One does not simply wear leather trousers.’ ‘One does not simply enjoy watching Mean Girls 2.’

2. Don’t-under any circumstances- trust a guy who gives you a magical ring. Especially if he lives in a volcano and looks like a monster.

3. Elves have a secret stash of hair care products that they refuse to share with anyone else. Which is just plain rude, considering the state of Gimli’s beard by ROTK.

4. If you make bold statements like ‘No man can kill me,’ swaggering about on your flying lizard like da man, you can be sure a woman will turn up with a big pointy sword and ram it in your face. Because that’s what happens when you get cocky.

5. Gollum is not partial to fish and chips. He thinks they are nasty.

6. Moths have friends in high places. Literally. Because they are friends with giant birds. *CUE PUNCHLINE*

7. As it turns out, there are indeed dwarf women! Don’t be fooled by their beards!

8. Gandalf isn’t dead! Oh, wait. *SPOILERS!* But really, did you ever think he really was?! He’s a wizard!

9. Always climb over mountains- don’t be tempted to go through them. There’s a whole load of nasty going on down there.

10. Everyone has a BFF in Middle Earth. Merry has Pippin. Frodo has Sam. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas have a 3 way bromance going on. Gollum has The Ring. Arwen has her horse. Gandalf has Elrond. Etc, etc, etc. The only people who don’t have BFF’s are the baddies (but even Sauron has Saruman) and those destined to die, like Boromir. But chances are he has a BFF back home in Gondor, and we just never see him. Sad times.

Hehehe….

5 Reasons Why Jeff Goldblum is the Perfect Man

This post is dedicated to my best science friend Hannah. It is Hannah’s 22nd birthday today and this is her gift from me. Yes, you guessed it: I have no money to buy her a real gift. I hope this will make up for it, Hannah!

And, okay, maybe half of this list is reasons why the characters played by Jeff Goldblum are perfect, but lets not split hairs over the detail.

Boromir making a Jeff Goldblum reference? I’m in heaven…

1. He is the king of intellectual banter.

Henry Wu: You’re implying that a group composed entirely of female animals will… breed? 
Dr. Ian Malcolm: No, I’m, I’m simply saying that life, uh… finds a way. 

Yeah it does! Everyone’s like, ‘Pffft, lady dinosaurs can’t get it on with other lady dinosaurs to make baby dinosaurs!’ And he’s all ‘Uh…life…uh…finds….uh….a way….dumbass.’

2. He’s very attractive.

Even now, nearly 20 years after his sexy turn as Dr. Ian Malcolm, he is a stone cold fox. And did you see him in Independence Day? Next to Will Smith in his army type uniform, he should have looked ridiculous. Like Brains in Thunderbirds was never going to be the attractive one (if they were real: obviously, puppets cannot be sexy.)

But he was MORE attractive than The Big Smith because he was understated. Those glasses. That hair. The flannel shirts. *SWOON*

Dr. Ian Malcolm: I’m always on the lookout for the future ex-Mrs. Malcolm. 

My knees are going weak.

3. He likes dinosaurs/aliens/Glee clubs/Joey from ‘Friends’ and I like all those things too!

Okay, so this is more about Jeff the actor, not Jeff the amazing Doc/Scientist/Nerd guy who saves the world with hand held flares and computer viruses. Obviously, Jeff would not have partaken in any of his films/TV shows if he wasn’t interested in the subject matter at hand. So we can safely say that he also likes to talk at great lengths about dinosaurs and aliens, and I DO TOO!

4. He is clever. But not just clever. He is SUPER CLEVER. 

I’m into History. I’m into English. As it happens, I did an English and History degree. I am so rubbish at science, I spent most of my lessons in school melting pen tops with bunsen burners. But then along came Jeff Goldblum and opened my eyes: science can be fun! Science can be banter! Science can be SEXY! So not only is he SUPER CLEVER, he in return made me PARTIALLY CLEVER AT SCIENCE STUFF.

Ask me anything about chaos theory. Seriously, anything.

Dr. Ian Malcolm: See, here I am now, by myself, talking to myself. That’s Chaos Theory!

5. He has agreed to return as Dr. Ian Malcolm for Jurassic Park XVIIII: The Return of That Guy Who Got Eaten On The Toilet. 

OMG THIS MAN IS PERFECT!!! (We can totally let him off for The Lost World. Not sure what was going on there.)

Revisiting the Past- or My Top 5 TV Crushes of the 90s

Firstly, let me point out that I am an English 90s kid: there was no Full House or 90210 in my living room when I was growing up. (Yeah, I had to Google US kids shows to get some references in there. What the heck is Full House?!) Anyway, as an English 90s kid, I not only enjoyed the delights of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Clarissa Explains It All, but also Chucklevision and The Queen’s Nose.

So I’m very, VERY sorry if I’ve missed out your ultimate 90s crush. If I had had the opportunity to watch Boy Meets World, I’m sure I would have fallen for another generic looking floppy haired teen. Alas, I was exposed to these cuties!

(I’ve excluded Pacey Witter/Dawson Leery from my list because I didn’t start watching Dawson’s Creek until the early 2000s. I did watch one episode with my cousin when I was about 10, and I ended up feeling very stupid that I didn’t understand a word they were saying.)

5. Bernard from Bernard’s Watch

For anyone not familiar with Bernard’s Watch, let me explain. Bernard was a little kid who had a magic watch that could stop time. He used it to spy on his milkman, who used to have a lot of wildly inappropriate affairs with all the housewives on his street. It was one of the most amazing programmes of my youth, and I still wish I had a magical watch to stop time when I’m in awkward situations.

Looking back, I think I was more attracted to the magical watch than him.

4. AC Slater from Saved by the Bell

Oh Albert Clifford. I remember the day you stole my heart away. It was the day of the prom (obviously, because Bayside High had a prom every other week) and you got locked in a sweaty boiler room with Jessie. How I wish I had been in her place. Your curls were wild and free. Your muscles were strong and shiny….

Okay. Moving swiftly on….

3. Tucker from Tucker.

Americans, can you help me out with something? Why was Tucker cancelled after only about 10 episodes?! For one glorious summer, Tucker was my best friend. He knew Seth Green! He could dance on one of those arcade machines! He was amazing! And then somebody decides to pull the plug. My heart was broken. It took a lot of Pacey time to get over him, I can tell you.

2. Roddy Oliver from The Ghost Hunter

After Googling The Ghost Hunter (another English gem about a Victorian ghost called ‘The Shoeshine Boy” who was hunted by an old woman who used to sniff him) I found out that Roddy Oliver was played by a charming young actor called Will Theakston. Apparently, Will was also in one of the Harry Potter films. Look!

1. Harvey Kinkle from Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Out of all Sabrina’s man friends over the many seasons I tuned in (not the last one, though. That guy wasn’t hot.) Harvey Kinkle was the best. He always managed to keep his hair looking magnificent, even when he was being seriously messed with by Sabrina’s magic. And he had a motorbike!

That smile! Those eyes! And he forgave Sabrina for being a shitty girlfriend in the end. Did I mention he had a motorbike?