Firstly, let me point out that I am an English 90s kid: there was no Full House or 90210 in my living room when I was growing up. (Yeah, I had to Google US kids shows to get some references in there. What the heck is Full House?!) Anyway, as an English 90s kid, I not only enjoyed the delights of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Clarissa Explains It All, but also Chucklevision and The Queen’s Nose.
So I’m very, VERY sorry if I’ve missed out your ultimate 90s crush. If I had had the opportunity to watch Boy Meets World, I’m sure I would have fallen for another generic looking floppy haired teen. Alas, I was exposed to these cuties!
(I’ve excluded Pacey Witter/Dawson Leery from my list because I didn’t start watching Dawson’s Creek until the early 2000s. I did watch one episode with my cousin when I was about 10, and I ended up feeling very stupid that I didn’t understand a word they were saying.)
5. Bernard from Bernard’s Watch
For anyone not familiar with Bernard’s Watch, let me explain. Bernard was a little kid who had a magic watch that could stop time. He used it to spy on his milkman, who used to have a lot of wildly inappropriate affairs with all the housewives on his street. It was one of the most amazing programmes of my youth, and I still wish I had a magical watch to stop time when I’m in awkward situations.
Looking back, I think I was more attracted to the magical watch than him.
4. AC Slater from Saved by the Bell
Oh Albert Clifford. I remember the day you stole my heart away. It was the day of the prom (obviously, because Bayside High had a prom every other week) and you got locked in a sweaty boiler room with Jessie. How I wish I had been in her place. Your curls were wild and free. Your muscles were strong and shiny….
Okay. Moving swiftly on….
3. Tucker from Tucker.
Americans, can you help me out with something? Why was Tucker cancelled after only about 10 episodes?! For one glorious summer, Tucker was my best friend. He knew Seth Green! He could dance on one of those arcade machines! He was amazing! And then somebody decides to pull the plug. My heart was broken. It took a lot of Pacey time to get over him, I can tell you.
2. Roddy Oliver from The Ghost Hunter
After Googling The Ghost Hunter (another English gem about a Victorian ghost called ‘The Shoeshine Boy” who was hunted by an old woman who used to sniff him) I found out that Roddy Oliver was played by a charming young actor called Will Theakston. Apparently, Will was also in one of the Harry Potter films. Look!
1. Harvey Kinkle from Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Out of all Sabrina’s man friends over the many seasons I tuned in (not the last one, though. That guy wasn’t hot.) Harvey Kinkle was the best. He always managed to keep his hair looking magnificent, even when he was being seriously messed with by Sabrina’s magic. And he had a motorbike!
That smile! Those eyes! And he forgave Sabrina for being a shitty girlfriend in the end. Did I mention he had a motorbike?
To commemorate Father’s Day, I’ve put together a list of the most endearing and the most diabolical dads out there in popular culture land. It’s dedicated to all dads everywhere- no matter how many times you ground your kids, you are definitely not as bad as these 5 parental nightmares…
5. King Lear (King Lear)
This guy shows the classic case of favouritism between his kids. He asks his three daughters ‘Who loves me best?!’, and two of them answer ‘It’s totes me Dad! Give me some cash!’ The only daughter who actually loves dear old Lear is disinherited because she finds it difficult to say how she really feels. To be fair on him, he was probably half out of his mind when he made that foolish decision, and he got his just desserts by going crazy in the end. He also had to put up with 3 squabbling daughters. Poor guy.
4. Denethor (Lord of the Rings)
Denethor loves Boromir. He loves his floppy hair and his English accent. He loves his rugged beard and his inability to see that the One Ring evil. EVVVIIIIIL. Denethor is not so happy with Faramir. So he tells him he wished he’d been shot 10 times by Orc arrows instead of Boromir. Ouch.
3. Jack Torrance (The Shining)
What is it with dads going crazy?! In a different state, Jack probably wouldn’t have gone out of his way to try and crazy murder his family. But he did. So he’s on the list.
2. Peter Griffin (Family Guy)
Does this one need an explanation?!
1. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars)
Anakin Skywalker had it all: Jedi Knight with a light sabre? Check. Married to Natalie Portman? Check. Two loyal and friendly robots to help out around the house? Check. So when he gets all crabby that Samuel L Jackson won’t let him play with the big kids, he has a bit of a man strop. The result is this fashion nightmare. After killing his wife, capturing his daughter and then blowing up her home planet, chopping off his sons arm and, oh yeah, TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE, Anakin Skywalker is the WORST DAD EVER. EVER.
It was much easier thinking of the worst dads- but here are my 5 best dads around. Take heed, dads: if we ever get captured by Eastern European gangsters or there’s a zombie invasion, that’s when we need you!
5. Mr. Weasley (Harry Potter)
This guy must have the patience of a saint. Not only does he have 7 kids, his wife keeps inviting another mouth to feed into his house every summer. He let his teenage sons fly a Ford Anglia on a whim, he got tickets to the Quidditch World Cup for the whole family and he is totally bad ass at duelling evil wizards. Oh, and he forgave Harry for eating him snake-style.
4. Rick Grimes (The Walking Dead)
Rick Grimes battled with a hospital full of zombies, then a street full of zombies and then a CITY full of zombies, just to get back to his wife and son. And when he did find them, he let Karl wear his hat!
3. Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mockingbird)
One Shot Finch. What a legend.
2. Marlin (Finding Nemo)
Marlin was too scared to even cross the street (how do they have streets under the sea?!) until little Nemo got cocky and touched a boat, leading him to get captured by an evil Australian dentist. Marlin took to the high seas in hot pursuit, fending off sharks, jellyfish and some very repetitive seagulls. When he found Nemo, he spent the journey home telling him lots of fun facts about sea turtles. N’aww!
1. Bryan Mills (Taken)
I have to admit, I totally forgot that Liam Neeson’s epic dad character in Taken was called Bryan. But he was, and he was epic. He bought a karaoke machine for his daughter (best present ever!), and then when she got sold into the sex slave business he went into Bourne mode, wielding guns and beating people up like it was nobody’s business. Even when he was handcuffed to a pipe getting beaten up by the help, he didn’t give up. And then when he brought his daughter home, he introduced her to his pop star friend Holly Valance so she could become a famous singer! OHMYGOOOOD WHY DOESN’T MY DAD KNOW HOLLY VALANCE?!
Happy Father’s Day!
1. That kid with the greasy hair is always up to something. Actually, anybody who looks a bit greasy is a bad guy. Don’t be fooled into thinking they are just hygienically challenged. Their hair is a symbol of their evil, evil deeds.
2. Never give a depressed house elf a case of butter beer unsupervised. There will be less partying and more weeping into tea towels and old socks.
3. All locked doors can be opened with a simple spell you learnt on your first day of school. Go on- try it. You might just find something cool and dangerous.
4. There are limited jobs in the wizarding world: you can either be a journalist, shop keeper, teacher or ministry worker. They are your only options. Deal with it.
5. Even though you go to a magical school, don’t count on the nurse being a skilled optician. You’ll still have to wear glasses. Even though she can re-grow your bones and get rid of the flu with chocolate? That’s right.
6. If you get sorted into Slytherin, you might as well go home now. You might be clever and look good in green, but everyone will hate you.
7. Don’t go out in your invisibility cloak if it’s snowing.
8. Polyjuice potion is fun until someone accidentally drinks cat hair.
9. Even if you’re as brainy as Hermione, you will never, ever figure out how Hagrid was conceived.
10. If you don’t like pumpkin, you are screwed. It’s in everything. Pies, juice, cakes…