It's just a tiny bit marvellous

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‘If anyone else dies, Julian Fellowes will pay’ Or What To Expect From Downton Abbey, Season 4

I’m joking, obviously. Julian Fellowes, you are a safe man.

1. Branson will be left to house sit again. Because he’s not allowed to go to fancy places like Scotland, guys. He doesn’t even own a suit.

2.  Bates will turn out to be a bad guy. I’m convinced. Remember the prison rage?! ‘I AM BATES, HERE ME ROAR.’

3. I’m thinking secret romance. I’m thinking jazz singer. I’m thinking blonde Sybil (that’s her name, don’t even pretend it isn’t.) I’m thinking preganancy? ABORTION?! WHO KNOWS. ONLY FELLOWES.

4. Lady Violet will say something witty about how dresses are getting all slutty, or how the music is too fast paced for her poor heart to take. There will also be some snide remarks about Americans, because there always is.

5. Daisy will nearly ruin, and then save, a very important dinner; Thomas will smoke a cigarette and look angry; Carson will polish some silver; Mrs. Patmore will be chuffed because suet was on offer in the local shop; tall butler will hit his head on a door frame and everyone will laugh; sexy, Eragon butler will be sexy, Eragon butler …

6…and then someone will die at Christmas. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM JULIAN FELLOWES.

 

‘If you think any member of One Direction will be on this list you will be sadly mistaken.’ Or My Top 5 Brits of 2012

2012

YEESSSSS!

2012 has been our year. Great Britain is once again GREAT. We had a party every month celebrating something or other. It was once again acceptable to fly a Union Jack from your house without looking like a member of the BNP. It was glorious; there was bunting. Across the globe, people were wishing they were us. But they couldn’t be us. Us few 60 million. We are the chosen people of 2012. Bask in our glory, world. BASK IN IT!

But there were 5 people who excelled just that little bit more than others this year. And they need to be appreciated.

(Though I am warning you, there are no athletes on this list. Because that would mean I would have to choose, and that is a decision I couldn’t, and shouldn’t, have on my conscience. Let the BBC Sports Personality of the Year deal with it.)

1. Claire Balding

This woman is now a national treasure after some truly amazing commentary at the Olympics (I knew they’d get a mention somewhere.) The Americans got stupid Ryan Seacrest ‘photobombing’ people. Claire Balding is much too dignified for that shit. She had her highlighters and her stack of notes and she just GOT ON WITH IT. As is the British way. Bravo, Balding! (And she invented the Mobot, which is just genius.)

2. Charles Dickens

This year, big Charlie D turned 200. And we never heard the end of it. He’s been dead for about 150 years but he was given a whole YEAR of celebrations because he was an utter pro at telling amazing stories. As it should be.

3. Pippa Middleton

She has a nice bum. That’s about it. Oh! and she has recently released a book with helpful tips on hosting dinner parties and other insightful thoughts- such as, ‘There is something very British about tea.’ I think we may have a genius on our hands, guys.

4. Kate Middleton and Prince William’s Unborn Child

SQUEE. I think I was with everyone when I did a little jig of glee when I found out there was a royal bun in the royal oven. (Kate would have been on this list in her own right, but frankly, I think she needs a rest.)

5. The Dowager Countess of Grantham

SHE IS SO ENGLISH AND EVERYONE LOVES HER AND OHMYGOD DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN!?

I didn’t even know I was that passionate about Dowton Abbey….

Ps. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

‘Oy with the poodles already!’ Or What Gilmore Girls Taught Me

1. Big spiders carry guns. Fact.

2. Being an overprotective mother will lead to early pregnancies and rock music.

3. Singing Hello Dolly a la Louis Armstrong will shoot down any argument you are up against. Oh, you don’t believe me? You think I’m wrong?

……

HELLOOOOOO DOLLY.

Yeah. That showed you.

4. 24 hour dance marathons are amazing- but they aren’t the best time to break up with your boyfriend.

5. Michel is the best character. Non?

Michel: Well, you know what happens when you assume.

Lorelai: What?

Michel: I don’t know. Something about a donkey. It is a stupid American phrase.

Oh Michel. You are witty and French and we love you.

6. Taylor should just move.

7. Jess is more attractive than Dean, but Logan is more attractive than Jess. Luke is more attractive than all of them combined, which means I need to start hanging out in diners more often.

8. I know lots of pop culuture references…… but there are still times when I’m laughing at something Lorelai has said and I’m thinking ‘Why am I laughing?! Why is this funny!?’ And that’s okay. I’ve accepted the limits of my pop culture knowledge.

9. “Did anyone think that maybe Sylvia Plath wasn’t crazy, she was just cold?” She was definitely not just cold. I hope.

10. Sookie was a cool name before that vampire show. And people said it right back then. Ah the early noughties. We hardly knew ye.

Words Of Wisdom From The Dowager Countess

So the Dowager Countess of Grantham. Doesn’t she come out with some crazy stuff? Have you noticed that she’s always right? About everything?

Don’t believe me? Just take a look at these gems….

1. Life is a game where the player must appear ridiculous.

If anyone’s keeping score, I think I might be winning.

2. No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else’s house.

Could you imagine? It would be a total disgrace! You’d never be able to show your face in society again (though you’d be dead, so I suppose that wouldn’t be a big problem.) We English are far too classy for that shit.

3. No one wants to kiss a girl in black.

I’m not sure if this is more of an Edwardian thing, because black is very slimming- and if you spill something on yourself nobody can tell. But Mary and Sybil did get their men wearing summery frocks, so maybe Granny is on to something?

4. The truth is neither here nor there. It’s the look of the thing that matters.

Telling lies is okay if you make the lie convincing. And interesting. The Dowager Countess may have hit a moral grey area here but I’m guessing everyone is silently agreeing with her advice.

5. You can normally find an Italian who isn’t too picky.

I really hope so. It may turn out to be my only option in life.

“Nobody wants to kiss a girl in black!” or What Downton Abbey Taught Me

Downton Abbey returns on September 16th y’all! LIKE OMG YOU GUYS- put it in your diary! (Or put it in your pipe and smoke it if you feel the need!)

Making this list is the only thing calming me down right now. Seriously.

(To all my American/Canadian/other overseas readers: I’m sorry you have to wait so long for series 3! I hope this eases your pain!)

This Branson picture has nothing to do with this list really. I just liked it. If you don’t like it you’re probably a Thomas kind of gal. And we don’t need your kind here! (JOKES GUYS! JOKES!)

1. The best way to have a secret affair is in very public places. An open garage and the room next door to where your wife is dying are the ultimate choices.

2. “Why must everyday involve a fight with an American?! No, it’s fine, I’ll ride this swivel chair like the badass I am!” The Dowager Countess is one badass granny.

3. Kissing your cousin is encouraged. Especially if he’s fit with a massive entail. No pun intended.

4. Mr Bates is a fox. I mean, he isn’t really. But Anna digs him so what do I know?

5. If you leave your job for a day- even if it’s just to go to the post office to buy stamps, or feed soup to injured soldiers- Molesly will try to steal it. You’ve been warned.

6. Don’t listen to your bitch of an aunt when she tells you not to marry Matthew. Matthew is awesome. Mary is also awesome, but she’s pretty mean to Matthew when she sends him off to war all sad and heartbroken. Don’t be sad, Matthew! Lavinia’s a-coming!

7. There’s always one sister who is a complete bitch. But maybe the reason she’s a bitch is because her sister is mean to her and drives away her old fiance-to-be. But then before that, she did tell everyone her sister had hanky panky with a Turkish diplomat (saucy!) But then there’s the case of one sister having nicer dresses than the other… JUST BE NICE LIKE SYBIL GUYS! AND WEAR TROUSERS!

8. Hats are amazing. The bigger the better.

9. Apparently, phones are comparable to time machines in an H.G.Wells novel. It’s like older people trying understand iPhones, but in a period drama setting. LOLS.

10. Ghosts are real. And they enjoy a good board game!

(I have so many more things Downton Abbey has taught me I may have to do another list! AAAH EXCITING!)

<;3

“You can’t just ask people why they’re white!” Or What Mean Girls Taught Me

1. Fetch is British slang. And it’s a good thing. Apparently. Though I don’t think it ever caught on over here, so I’m not sure where Gretchen Weiners heard it. Maybe when she went on the world tour with her dad promoting Toaster Strudle.

2. Live everyday like you’re Glen Coco. Because Glen Coco gets 4 candy canes. If I got 4 candy canes, I would be so happy I would probably go to Taco Bell to celebrate. Though not if I was on an all carb diet. Duh.

3. “Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.” Probably not the best way to stop teenagers knocking boots, but hey, in this day and age you’ve got to try anything!

4. It’s perfectly acceptable to dress like a slut on Halloween. In fact, if you don’t dress like a slut for Halloween you are probably one of the uncool kids. Here is proof that I was (and still am) an uncool kid:

Hells yes.

5. Some people can give an accurate weather forecast with their breasts. Or at the very least, if you can’t be bothered to go look out of the window, they can tell you if it’s already raining.

6. Big hair= big secrets. “That’s why her hair is so big, it’s FULL OF SECRETS!!!!!!!!”

7. “On Wednesdays we wear pink.” I love this. I wish it was a worldwide rule. And if you don’t wear pink, you can’t sit with us at lunch. Sorry.

8. Word vomit is not as messy as actual vomit, but it does cause just as much mess. Okay, that point wasn’t explained very well. Word vomit isn’t actual vomit, so you won’t need a toilet bowl and one of your friends to hold your hair. But word vomit does cause social awkwardness/ruined friendships/face palm moments that should be avoided.

9. Joining the Mathletes is social suicide. Paradoxically, Kevin G is a total badass.

10. Tina Fey is amazing. If you take away only one thing from Mean Girls, that should be it.

‘There are 7 basic erogenous zones….’ Or What Friends Taught Me

1. Joey doesn’t share food. All the other Friends cannot understand why Joey refuses to share his fries when his date has ordered a ‘garden salad.’  But to be completely fair to Joey, I am exactly the same. Everybody’s like ‘Oh my GOD, you are SO SELFISH!’ But I would gladly buy you your own bag of Maltesers when we go to the cinema. Just don’t REFUSE a bag all to yourself and then dip into mine! That’s how you end up losing some fingers.

2. Pivot. PIVOT! This is handy knowledge I now have for if I ever move house and take hefty furniture with me. I also know that if I am ever in a pivoting situation, it would probably be best if I bring my most muscular friends to help me do the job, and not the Chandler-esque weeds.

3. Peeing on jellyfish stings is one way of cementing a relationship. I mean, look at Chandler and Monica. They eventually got married!

4. And by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are.’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’ I like to think that Rachel fell in love with Ross because of his fine attention to detail when using punctuation marks.  And because of his dinosaur watch, obviously.

5. No matter how young you are, leather pants are never a good idea. On men. I think certain ladies can pull them off. (I loved them in the 90’s when it was all very PVC but only the Posh Spice Girl was allowed to wear real leather.) Also, if you are ever trying to take off a pair of leather slacks without chafing, don’t mix together talc and lotion. They will MAKE A PASTE!

6. Unagi is a type of sushi, not a form of karate. Sorry, a state of karate. Or something.

7. Fake names are a necessity. They can be used to solve all sorts of problems, including stopping your friend leaving for France and trying to convince a man to join an Identical Hand Twin showcase.

8. Trifle does not contain meat. I know a lot of English desserts sound odd (I only discovered that mince pies didn’t have mince in them when I was 13- and I live in England!) but we’re not that odd. We do seem to enjoy cheese as a dessert though and that is something I will never be on board with.

9. Foreign ‘Friends’ is not as funny as English ‘Friends.’ So keep your monkey away from the TV remote.

10. If you are reading Little Women and you get to the sad part, put your book in the freezer. And then go watch Friends to cheer yourself up.

Your Questions Answered- (don’t all thank me at once, you guys….)

A lot of people are directed to my blog looking for answers. Though they might not be the most thought provoking, life changing questions a lot of us ask ourselves on a daily basis (‘What is the meaning of life?’ ‘Why do cats have 9 lives and I only have 1?’ ‘Why is my hair so flat?’) they do deserve an answer. Thankfully, I have the answers you seek. You’re welcome.

1. 

This is a tough one, because so many people have died on Wisteria Lane over the years that it’s hard to keep track. And in so many original ways! You wouldn’t have thought that a garden fence would be deadly. But it is. Frankly, I’m surprised anyone wants to live there anymore.

Anyway. Back to the question. I can count 32 people having died actually on Wisteria Lane. Want me to list them? Okay, here goes.  Rex Van der Kamp. Edie Britt. Loads of people from that strangler kid….er…Mike Delfino. Okay. I’m giving up. The answer is 32. Just take my word for it.

2. 

I’m still pondering as to why my blog would give an answer to this question. I don’t think I’ve ever even wrote about Ms. Sande, but regardless; this question needs an answer. So here it is.

I’m afraid I don’t have access to Emeli Sande’s wardrobe, so I can’t check the labels in her clothes. I also don’t have the ability to guess people’s dress size by looking at them (apparently a lot of women can do this, which I find incredibly disturbing.) And anyway: it’s none of your business what dress size she is! Jeez! Give the woman some privacy!

3. 

This is an excellent question. Joey Potter was a bitch for so many reasons- but for me, I think it all comes down to her not wearing a bra. I know it was the 90s, but I think with a bit more support she would have been much friendlier.

4. 

Where do I even start with this question? I know I shouldn’t judge, because sometimes when I’m using Google in a hurry my spelling can go a little crazy. But come on. That is the worst looking question I’ve ever seen.

All I can tell you is that they don’t look like this– make that your starting point.

5. 

I really hate to tell you this, but the Grammy’s aren’t held in Covent Garden. They’re not even held in the UK. I know they’re held in the US somewhere, though to be honest, even I don’t know where. It’s a mystery. I really hope you don’t intend to go celebrity spotting at next years shindig in London- you will be thoroughly disappointed.

“One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor!!” Or What LOTR Taught Me

I think anyone who is familiar with my love for Boromir will not be at all surprised that I’ve finally got around to writing this list. Actually, you’re probably wondering why it took me so long! Well, here it is: things I learnt from Gandalf and co. Enjoy.

It’s PANDALF!

1. One does not simply walk into Mordor. This advice can be applied to pretty much anything. ‘One does not simply eat the last cookie without asking if anyone else wants it.’ ‘One does not simply wear leather trousers.’ ‘One does not simply enjoy watching Mean Girls 2.’

2. Don’t-under any circumstances- trust a guy who gives you a magical ring. Especially if he lives in a volcano and looks like a monster.

3. Elves have a secret stash of hair care products that they refuse to share with anyone else. Which is just plain rude, considering the state of Gimli’s beard by ROTK.

4. If you make bold statements like ‘No man can kill me,’ swaggering about on your flying lizard like da man, you can be sure a woman will turn up with a big pointy sword and ram it in your face. Because that’s what happens when you get cocky.

5. Gollum is not partial to fish and chips. He thinks they are nasty.

6. Moths have friends in high places. Literally. Because they are friends with giant birds. *CUE PUNCHLINE*

7. As it turns out, there are indeed dwarf women! Don’t be fooled by their beards!

8. Gandalf isn’t dead! Oh, wait. *SPOILERS!* But really, did you ever think he really was?! He’s a wizard!

9. Always climb over mountains- don’t be tempted to go through them. There’s a whole load of nasty going on down there.

10. Everyone has a BFF in Middle Earth. Merry has Pippin. Frodo has Sam. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas have a 3 way bromance going on. Gollum has The Ring. Arwen has her horse. Gandalf has Elrond. Etc, etc, etc. The only people who don’t have BFF’s are the baddies (but even Sauron has Saruman) and those destined to die, like Boromir. But chances are he has a BFF back home in Gondor, and we just never see him. Sad times.

Hehehe….

5 Reasons Why Jeff Goldblum is the Perfect Man

This post is dedicated to my best science friend Hannah. It is Hannah’s 22nd birthday today and this is her gift from me. Yes, you guessed it: I have no money to buy her a real gift. I hope this will make up for it, Hannah!

And, okay, maybe half of this list is reasons why the characters played by Jeff Goldblum are perfect, but lets not split hairs over the detail.

Boromir making a Jeff Goldblum reference? I’m in heaven…

1. He is the king of intellectual banter.

Henry Wu: You’re implying that a group composed entirely of female animals will… breed? 
Dr. Ian Malcolm: No, I’m, I’m simply saying that life, uh… finds a way. 

Yeah it does! Everyone’s like, ‘Pffft, lady dinosaurs can’t get it on with other lady dinosaurs to make baby dinosaurs!’ And he’s all ‘Uh…life…uh…finds….uh….a way….dumbass.’

2. He’s very attractive.

Even now, nearly 20 years after his sexy turn as Dr. Ian Malcolm, he is a stone cold fox. And did you see him in Independence Day? Next to Will Smith in his army type uniform, he should have looked ridiculous. Like Brains in Thunderbirds was never going to be the attractive one (if they were real: obviously, puppets cannot be sexy.)

But he was MORE attractive than The Big Smith because he was understated. Those glasses. That hair. The flannel shirts. *SWOON*

Dr. Ian Malcolm: I’m always on the lookout for the future ex-Mrs. Malcolm. 

My knees are going weak.

3. He likes dinosaurs/aliens/Glee clubs/Joey from ‘Friends’ and I like all those things too!

Okay, so this is more about Jeff the actor, not Jeff the amazing Doc/Scientist/Nerd guy who saves the world with hand held flares and computer viruses. Obviously, Jeff would not have partaken in any of his films/TV shows if he wasn’t interested in the subject matter at hand. So we can safely say that he also likes to talk at great lengths about dinosaurs and aliens, and I DO TOO!

4. He is clever. But not just clever. He is SUPER CLEVER. 

I’m into History. I’m into English. As it happens, I did an English and History degree. I am so rubbish at science, I spent most of my lessons in school melting pen tops with bunsen burners. But then along came Jeff Goldblum and opened my eyes: science can be fun! Science can be banter! Science can be SEXY! So not only is he SUPER CLEVER, he in return made me PARTIALLY CLEVER AT SCIENCE STUFF.

Ask me anything about chaos theory. Seriously, anything.

Dr. Ian Malcolm: See, here I am now, by myself, talking to myself. That’s Chaos Theory!

5. He has agreed to return as Dr. Ian Malcolm for Jurassic Park XVIIII: The Return of That Guy Who Got Eaten On The Toilet. 

OMG THIS MAN IS PERFECT!!! (We can totally let him off for The Lost World. Not sure what was going on there.)